


It Was Always You

by AShrtstff



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Bisexuality, Dina doesn't actually make an appearance, Dina must be pregnant, Don't tell Ellie, Ellie is confused, Ellie wants to forgive Joel, F/M, I suck at tags, Joel lives, No abby, Patrol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:13:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27140242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AShrtstff/pseuds/AShrtstff
Summary: Ellie's day takes an unexpected turn.(Mostly compliant with story of TLOU2 other than there is no Abby and Joel never dies)
Relationships: Ellie/Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 143





	It Was Always You

**Author's Note:**

> I never thought I would actually get around to writing a Joel/Ellie fic, and while this one doesn't contain any smut (or at least verrry little) I may be willing to write an additional chapter given the feedback is positive.
> 
> This story is set after the events of TLOU2 (minus anything that has to do with Abby or Joel dying) That's right, Joel is still alive because I just can't let him go.. not yet anyway.. this story still semi sort of follows canon, in terms of Ellie not forgiving Joel just yet. The dance, the porch, and the flashbacks are all still relevant. 
> 
> Anyway, without further ado, please enjoy the story and let me know what you've thought. Thanks!

It was just another day, mid March, the snow was thawing outside- though it was still cold. Ellie despised this time of year, Winter. She hated the snow, a bitter reminder of some of her hardest memories. While in Jackson however, pleasant memories seemed to outweigh the disagreeable ones.. more importantly, a few weeks ago. 

Dina was curled up in her arms in a mysteriously hidden weed dungeon that Eugene kept secret from the rest of the town, Dina included; Dina, _of course._ being a little disappointed about that.. Thinking about their last patrol only alarmed Ellie more- thinking forward to their schedule today. There was no need to freak out... No - absolutely no reason to freak out. 

Ellie palmed her forehead as she sighed. There was no need to be nervous, Dina liked her and there was no reason to doubt that. _Not yet, anyway._

She groaned audibly, her eyes had barely cracked open. She was trying her best to avoid the awful glare the sun cast through her bedroom window. _Must have beat the alarm,_ she thought to herself. She glanced over to the clock, noticing how early it was.

As she moved her blankets aside, there was a cool draft that swept across the room making contact against her bare skin, causing goosebumps to pimple up. She shivered slightly, taking note of the empty wood stove in the corner of the room that was no longer pushing out any heat. She groaned to herself again as she wiped her eyes lazily, stood up and yawned.

Her yawn was quickly interrupted by a knock at the door. _Already?_ She thought to herself, annoyed by the sudden disturbance. 

_I beat the alarm even, why the hell is she here so early? Unless it's probably Jesse to tell me about some new trail plan. No, dumb. They just want to make sure I'm awake because they don't trust me to be awake on time,_ Ellie thought dumbly to herself.

She yanked a grey sweatshirt from her small rack of clothes tugging it over her head, causing her already messy hair to tangle even more. She shrugged it the rest of the way down her torso before scanning her room for pants. There, laid across the couch were her old, faded jeans that were well over worn. There were rips and tears all over, but she shrugged it off knowing she was only going on patrol today. Dina or not, there was no need to dress fancy to kill infected. Pulling both feet through her jeans, she stumbled around the room, attempting to not keep her surprise visitor waiting too long.

A failed attempt, however, as she stumbled around the room with her leg twisted in her jeans and she fell to the ground with a loud thump. She groaned again, completely unsatisfied with the way this morning has started. She stood up, mentally exhausted already, she blew a strand of hair from her face as she finished pulling her pants up the rest of the way.

She really hadn't done much, apart from getting dressed and falling over on her face so she figured whoever was at the door could wait another minute while she laced her sneakers up too. 

Sure enough, there was another knock though.

She nearly growled. "Just a sec."

No answer back. She rolled her eyes as she sat on her end table, pulling her knee up to lace her shoe. It was a shame, the amount of sneakers she once had and now it was dwindled down to such a small selection. She was lacing an old faded black converse sneaker that had holes starting to form along the rubber sole and the fabric. A small price she considered before wearing those awful boots that Joel had found for her. She hated her boots.

Once she was finished, she stood and opened the door, revealing the last person she possibly wanted to see.

_Joel._

The awful morning continues, she thought bitterly.

He stood there awkwardly, layered up in his green flannel shirt that tucked into his jeans underneath his dark brown jacket. His hair was long and graying more, though it was still pretty dark.. and there he stood with two coffees that occupied both of his hands.

He didn't make eye contact, as he just stared down at the two, now foreign, objects he held. 

"Uhm." He managed to say before looking up with somewhat apologetic eyes.

"What, Joel?" Ellie responded impatiently, clearly not wanting to engage in conversation with him.

He shrugged, looking at the coffees for some magical explanation for why he was bothering her at this time. "Good morning." He offered weakly.

Ellie groaned. "Yeah, morning. Did you need something?" She asked, impatiently again, still standing in her door way.

"No, no." He said softly, glancing back up to watch her reaction. "Jesse, he just mentioned something about you and I pairing up for patrol today." 

_"What?!"_ Ellie practically yelled at him. She was excited, albeit nervous, to see Dina today and now she would be spending it with Joel? "What did _you_ do?" She asked accusingly. They haven't had a patrol in nearly two years together, why on Earth would the schedule change now??

"I beg your pardon?" Joel responded, sounding a little wounded. 

Ellie rolled her eyes, slipping past him and the door frame. "You really messed with my schedule?" She asked him accusingly again before she walked away from him completely, leaving him standing there with his two coffees and an empty expression.

"Now, Ellie, wait a minu-" He started

"No, Joel!" She whipped around to face him again. "You need to stop intervening. I told you, when I was ready I would come around again. _Are we clear?"_ She sounded out each word as she asked him. Her voice was filled with more venom than she anticipated. 

Joel just stared at her, the coffees beginning to grow cold in his hands. He couldn't find the words this time, he just nodded at her and she could see his jaw line tense up as if he were trying to fight any emotion that was trying to seep through.

"Okay. Good." She nodded, accepting his silence as an answer.. she turned away from him again to find Jesse so she could sort this whole mess out. 

She felt a little guilty about the way she reacted to Joel but she just couldn't make up her mind whether she wanted him to be apart of her life again or not.. Or maybe it was the thought that the moment she did let him into her life again, she wouldn't be able to let him go. She knew she missed him, but that was beside the point. 

She walked away from him, through the backyard and past all of the greenhouses that were organized next door. There were plenty of people already awake and reporting to their respected jobs. Ellie was thankful that it was a short walk to the stables, not willing to participate in any small talk today. She smiled and nodded towards a few others as she hastened her pace.

She was wondering why Jesse would rearrange her schedule suddenly, without any attempt to tell her about it first - especially if he were pairing her up with Joel. Jesse knows her feelings towards Joel.

Therefore, she was led to believe that Joel sabotaged her schedule himself. She had given him an inch and he was going to run for a mile. She told him she would try, and he must have thought that it was suddenly okay for him to interfere. 

She only grew more irritated with Joel, assuming he had something to do with this.

She was so excited to see Dina this morning, to go on another patrol with her and possibly further their relationship to another level. She didn't want to hide their relationship.. so long as Joel never found out.

Why would Jesse change the schedule? She questioned again.

She gave up on figuring it out herself as she came up on the small barns. She was hit with the familiar yet awful smell that seemed to accompany the animals that lived there. It was something that she was used to, yet some days it was a little overwhelming. 

She entered the old barn and immediately scanned the area for Jesse, shouting his name a couple times for emphasis on why she wanted to talk to him. To her surprise, he had found her first.

"Woah, woah." He said before Ellie even saw him. He was carrying an old saddle that he quickly set aside, then raising his hands in a submissive manner. "I know you're probably not excited about the pairing today-"

"Not excited?" Ellie interrupted, turning to find him, sarcasm dripping from her tone. "Where's Dina?" She pointed towards him aggressively, trying to make it clear just how unhappy she was.

"Sick."

_"Sick?_ I just saw her yesterday and she was fine." She argued back, her arms spreading wide apart as if she was questioning his intelligence, her face a mocking expression that was painted with disgust.

Jesse shrugged. "It just hit her this morning, she wasn't feeling well." He examined the job board to the wall, looking for some sort of solution to calm Ellie down.

"Wait, you were with her?" Ellie asked, suddenly annoyed that Dina told him before her.

"Well, yeah. It's no big deal, Ellie. Really." 

"Psh." Ellie responded, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms. Dina and her had never officially claimed their relationship status so it was still on the fence whether or not they were exclusive. "So is there anyone else for today?"

Jesse shrugged again, looking back at her over his shoulder with a mischievous look. "I'm going with Cat today, if you would prefer?" A slight smirk formed across his face, annoying Ellie further.

"Ha. No. Thanks." Ellie responded with a dry tone. She did not want to revisit that storyline and so she let out a defeated sigh.

"Aw, its not that bad to spend one day with Joel, is it?" He asked, turning to face her completely.

"Pretty sure I've spent all the time I should with him for my lifetime." She replied bitterly, thinking back to his selfish decision in Salt Lake once again. 

Jesse quirked his eyebrow at her, not understanding the context. "I suppose, I could try to move some of the others around?" He offered hesitantly.

She sighed. "No, it's fine. I can handle one day with Joel, I guess." She kicked the dirt a little to show her disappointment before she turned away from Jesse and towards her horse. Once again, she found the last person she was interested in talking to.

Standing next to Shimmer, Joel wore a defeated look, though he tried not to show it. She made eye contact with him, his jaw was still clenched in the same fashion she saw earlier and his eyes were glossy. He must have followed her back to the stables, and for some reason Ellie must not have thought about that when she was arguing with Jesse. Joel started walking towards her and it was everything in Ellie's power to not avoid him completely.

"Look, kiddo." He started, taking a breath and running his hand through his hair. He must have discarded the unwanted coffees, which Ellie knows how much he loves that stuff. "We can just go.. get this day over with and you'll be back to your original schedule before you know it." He gave her a slight smirk that only made him seem sadder.

"Yeah." She responded emotionless.

He nodded towards her, trying to maintain the weak smile, and they both mounted their respective horses, silently.

Once Ellie had mounted Shimmer, she didn't wait for Joel. She rode ahead, out of the gates and down the path before she even noticed that he wasn't right beside her.

Not that it concerned her, though. She wasn't really in the mood to be bothered today, let alone talk. She rode on, continuing a slow, steady pace that way her partner could catch up when he so chose too.

The snow was melting along the ridge, creating a muddy pathway along the trails. The trees were beginning to blossom again, causing her allergies to flare up. There were only a few birds singing melodies overhead in the trees, the sweet sounds creating a false illusion of safety. The breeze had picked up slightly and suddenly Ellie was kicking herself for only bringing her sweatshirt today and forgetting her jacket. She muttered silently to herself about how awful today was, mentally preparing herself for whatever was going to greet them along this patrol.

She could feel the heavy silence that was radiating from Joel. As badly as she wanted to address it, _address him for the hundredth time,_ she didn't. She assured him she would try to mend things between them, no matter how much she wanted to fight it.. _and she had to stop fighting it._

He seemed to respect her wish for silence, however. Perhaps he was nervous too.. And yet, she found herself uncomfortable with the weight of the quietness occupying their space. The tension was so high she thought she could snap it just by breathing wrong. She turned to examine the look on his face.

He rode about twenty paces behind her, moving at a slow trot. His face was tight and filled with concern with something that Ellie couldn't exactly place. He was focused on the trail ahead of him and not so much on his surroundings, which was extremely unlike him.

Ellie pulled her reins back on Shimmer, making the horse stop all together. It didn't take long for Joel to catch up and his lack of attention nearly caused him to collide with her.

He pulled back on his horse's reins, coming to a stop just before Ellie. He looked at her, that familiar apprehension that resided in his features whenever he was worried about her - which was always. He was trying to read her face but there was nothing he could decipher. The girl that he had come to know so well had become another distant stranger to him.

"Are you alright?" He asked before she could explain, the concern filling his voice that she realized just now how much she missed.

It warmed her to see him so worried for her still. She knew that he tried, _and he really tried,_ to stay out of her life but he was physically and emotionally incapable of doing that. He tried - for her. Though it only caused a greater battle for himself.. one that Ellie hasn't really considered.

She sighed at the ground before bringing her gaze up to meet his. "Are _you alright?"_ She asked softly, emphasizing her own concern for him.

Joel suddenly cleared his throat, looking around, desperately trying to find any sort of distraction from his own feelings. "Uh yeah... Yep.." He clears his throat again. "We should probably keep movin', yeah?" He smirked sadly again, staring at a moss covered tree that stood just off the trail.

"Okay.." Ellie said hesitantly, examining Joel once over again before flipping Shimmer's reins a bit to continue down the trail. He was avoiding her gaze at him and she couldn't understand why. Isn't this what he wants? For her to try and talk to him?

She could still feel the heaviness of Joel's presence behind her, though each time she turned around she always caught him surveying the area, a noticeable change from ten minutes ago. He managed to keep a close eye on their surroundings now, something that Ellie was struggling to do.

Instead, she thought through different questions in her mind. _When did Dina get sick? Why was Dina sick? Why did she go to Jesse about it first? Why is Joel acting so strange? Why is she having such a hard time forgiving him?_ Over and over, she thought of different scenarios for each case. It was hard to pay attention.

She glanced back towards Joel again, he kept a solid distance between them. If she wanted to talk to him, she would either have to slow down or shout. Not that she really wanted to talk to him, but it was something about the look on his face that she just couldn't ignore. It wasn't even his face either, his face was stone and seemingly expressionless as he watched their surroundings. It was something about his eyes, they seemed so exhausted and just plain defeated. There was nothing he could do to hide that from her.

And for some reason, she felt guilty.

She unintentionally slowed down, allowing Joel to catch up with her. He was hesitant to pass her, but she had brought Shimmer to a complete stop again. He quirked his eyebrow at her as he pulled up beside her.

The wind had picked up slightly along their trail, causing Ellie's ponytail to whip little circles in the air, slapping the sides of her face lightly.

"Ellie?" He asked.

She glanced at him again. "Yeah?" She asked, her voice much warmer than earlier.

He hesitated again, he was trying to find the words. He looked around before his broken eyes settled on her again. He kept his voice steady, deep. "Do.. you want to talk about it?"

She brought her attention back up to him with a glare. "Why would I want to talk about it?" She snapped.

He looked at her, his mouth subtly open. He then quickly diverted his attention to his horse's saddle. "You jus' seem distracted, that-"

"Distracted?" She hissed back. "Little bit of an understatement, don't you think? Let's just get back to the patrol."

"You're hardly payin' any attention, Ellie." He argued gently. 

"I'm fine." She hissed again.

He sighed, defeated yet again. He brought his gaze back up to her, drowning in complete sincerity. "Are you cold?"

"No. I'm fine." She stated stubbornly. 

He began to shimmy his arms from his coat, when she glared at him. "What are you doing?" 

"Here." He said as he brought his arm from the sleeve and holding it out for her to take.

She kicked Shimmer ahead, ignoring his offer.

She continued along the trail until she came to a clearing. The breeze transitioned into a steady wind as she pushed Shimmer on forward.

She went on thinking about her morning, wondering what else could possibly go wrong. 

_When did Dina get sick? Why was Dina sick? Why did she go to Jesse about it first? Why is she having such a difficult time forgiving Joel? Why did she want to forgive Joel?_ She wanted to scream just to let out a little of her frustrations, but she held it in. She thought the same questions over and over on repeat in her mind and she was never comforted with any answers. That only seemed to frustrate her more.

She was paying such little attention that she never even noticed the clearing she entered onto was a river. A semi frozen river and she has been treading on it.

Shimmer was growing weary, but Ellie kicked her sneakers in, urging the animal forward.

"Ellie!" Joel called from behind her, his voice suddenly alarmed. 

It was too late though. As Ellie was turning her head to look over her shoulder towards Joel, there had been a pack of infected that ran out of the trees running straight towards her.

Shimmer reared up, standing there on the ice as Ellie held on, clutching her reins as tight as she could. The horse made frightened sounds as she tried to keep her body pressed against the animal's back. Her fingers were freezing and her legs were growing numb from the relentless breeze that had picked up, causing Ellie's grip to slowly subside.

She frantically reached for Shimmer's mane, desperately clinging on to anything that will keep her above the screeching sounds of all the infected that were beginning to surround her. A couple of the runners reached for her sneakers as she tried to kick them off Shimmer while simultaneously holding herself up above the small horde. The ice started cracking around the massive group that was now centered around her. The horse continued to rear up, bucking and kicking a few infected that were in it's path of fear.

Before she knew it, Ellie was bucked off, her body crashing with a solid force through the barrier between the fragile ice and the frozen depths of the river. The sound of screaming runners surrounded The fresh hole in the ice as she watched up through the water to see Shimmer running off. 

The shock from the unexpected polar plunge had stunned her momentarily. She focused on the small hole she formed as she sunk further in the river bed. It was darker under the ice and everything was blurry as she tried to regain her composure and vision completely.

It was so cold though. She was so cold - _freezing,_ in fact.

Weighing her options quickly, she decided that it definitely wasn't safe to swim back to the surface with all of the infected still around. There also were no other open areas in the ice that she could see. Fuck, she thought to herself.

She started to panic - only for a moment though. She kept focused on what was happening above the ice. She almost thought she was imagining it, but then she saw it again. _Saw him again._ Joel was just above the surface, slaughtering the group of runners that had surrounded her escape route. With the river current racing around her, she wasn't able to hear the shots from his gun, but she could see it - see each shot fire off as a bright light let off, dropping a body before him. 

She had to swim back now, it had to be safe enough to come out now.. It was so cold though, and her limbs were almost completely numb, her muscles included. They refused to operate productively. The river current succeeding in pushing her further from safety. She watched up, helplessly, through the murky water, through the hole in the ice, watching Joel until suddenly he began stripping off his outer clothing. 

She blinked, the water no longer stinging her eyes. She had to be dreaming, absolutely, but what kind of dream is this? She continued watching him as he shed his coat, tossing it aside as if it meant nothing to him. Next he ripped his flannel shirt and his under shirt over his head without even attempting the buttons. He was shirtless like it were Summer, not even fazed by the still bitter temperatures they faced this time of the year. He fumbled with his boots slightly, his jeans following quickly after. He was down to his underwear and Ellie couldn't help but to watch..

.. and then she blinked and suddenly he was diving through that small hole in the ice, swimming towards her. He was fast and fluent, scanning for her in the awful frigid, dark waters, but then he saw her.

He straightened his course right for her, his arm outstretched ready to grab her and pull her to his safety. Ready to save her again. She continued to watch him because she couldn't move. She was sure she was absolutely dreaming - and then it was dark and she couldn't see anything - completely unconscious. 

• • •

There was a distinct crackle from a fire that Ellie could hear, but she couldn't quite open her eyes yet. She was covered in a familiar smell that was comforting yet she couldn't exactly place it's origin. 

It smelled sweet, yet tanged with that old sweat smell. The smell of the woods, like trees and earth, yet musty and energetic at the same time. It was the distinct smell of coffee that lingered around the zipper though, where she realized that Joel must have spilt some this morning on his jacket. _She was covered in Joel's jacket._

She was still for what seemed like hours, enjoying the simplicity of the warmth that was beside her from the fire. That was soon interrupted however, when she heard a door creak open and a cold gust of wind follow behind it, brushing over her exposed skin.

She realized then that she was practically naked, save for the damp tank top and underwear she still wore. The only barrier between her and the breeze was Joel's jacket that was draped across her as a blanket, that she clung to lifelessly. 

The door closed almost as quickly as it opened and she could hear heavy footsteps grow closer to her. 

"J-Joel?" She croaked.

"Shh." He quickly responded. "It's me, you're safe now." He said in a hushed, soft tone.

She opened her eyes, blinking slowly a couple times, adjusting her blurry vision to the scenery of the cabin that they now occupied. It was completely _empty._

"W-where are?" She asked, weakly.

"Don' worry. It's alright now." He assured again as he set a few more logs into the fireplace. "Are you still cold?" He asked, concern filling his voice as he turned and his deep hazel eyes glanced over her. He looked like hell., worry washing over every crevice of his face.

In all honesty, she couldn't exactly feel the cold anymore, but she knew she was still numb. She looked at him again, seeing his face begin to redden. She tried to raise an eyebrow to him in question of whatever it was he was thinking of saying.

"I- " he started as he scratched the back of his head. "Your clothes, they're still wet.. I didn' know.." he trailed off.

"Oh." She replied dumbly, looking away quickly and glancing at the coat that engulfed her.

He sat silently a few spaces apart from her on the floor and stared into the flames of the fire for a moment. There was no furniture in the cabin, and Ellie figured it must have been something that was for sale before outbreak day happened. She idly wondered why no one had moved into it, it was a real cozy place. Log walls and a nice simple setting. It would have felt completely at home if there were some furniture occupying some of the space.

"How're ya feelin'?" He asked, looking over at her.

"Fine." She responded, rolling over to stare at the fire, appreciating the warmth it was putting off.

He nodded, pulling his knees up to set his forearms against as he mindlessly examined a few cuts on his hands.

"You should prob'ly get outta that wet stuff sooner than later to let it dry." He said without looking at her, still focused on his calloused hands.

"Okay." She replied, slowly shimmying out of her tank top, beneath Joel's coat. She felt shy being around Joel naked. She's hardly talked to him in a couple years, and so she felt nervous, though he kept his eyes away from her completely.

He could sense her awkwardness however and he gladly offered her his flannel shirt to wear as replacement. He quickly fidgeted with his buttons, taking it off and handing it to her. She had to admit, secretly and very quietly to herself, that seeing Joel in his black thermal shirt so tight around his torso was actually something she could get used to seeing. That's a compliment, right?

She happily accepted.

"Any warmer?" He asked, still concerned.

"Yep."

"And you're sure you're alright?" He asked again, his voice deep and still worried.

"Yep."

He nodded and sighed to himself. "Okay."

They were quiet for what felt like hours, staring into the flames. Ellie noticed the sun starting to set outside, casting shades of pink and orange through the windows. Suddenly she wondered to herself how long she was unconscious for. She wondered how worried everyone would be if they didn't return back to town tonight.

She didn't mention it yet though, assuming Joel wouldn't let her travel after what happened today anyway, although Ellie knew she was fine. It was just a little shock. As soon as her clothes were dry, she would be ready to hit the road again and get back to town.

She could tell Joel was hesitant to break the silence and she secretly wondered to herself why. He always wanted to cheer her up and make her feel better - unless maybe he thought she would feel better by him _not_ talking to her? 

She decided that she would have to break the silence.

"Did you plan on staying here tonight?" She asked in a tone that came out with more attitude than she intended.

"Uh." He paused. "I did, yeah.. but if you're ready to go-"

"No, that's fine. We can stay." She blurted out before she could deny it. She just couldn't stand seeing him so hurt anymore. Every time she was around him, he seemed so fragile, like he was always just a push away from falling over the edge.

It was almost as if he walked on broken glass when he was around her, always thinking of how he might affect her or her day. As much as he wants a part of her life, he knows she wishes otherwise and so he tries his best to respect that.

She decided that she wanted to change that.

"Are you alright?" He asked again and then she saw him silently scold himself. He continued anyway, most likely from anticipating no response from her again. "Cold? Hungry? Anything?" He sounded desperate to help her, to be there for her.

She didn't have any appetite so before she could decide anything else, she shrugged. "I'm a little cold still, I guess."

He nodded and got up quickly, grabbing a skimpy stick that he had brought inside to stoke the fire place in an attempt to coax more heat from it.

"I knew I should have packed extra clothes." She heard him mutter to himself. "This is what you get for not being prepared."

She then realized that in all of the quietness, he was more than likely mentally beating the shit out of himself. She watched him as he grimaced towards the fire, pleading with the flames for the heat to warm Ellie's body.

"Joel." She said sternly, drawing his attention from the fireplace and his incoherent rambling to himself.

He turned and faced her, his eyes betraying his stone face, yet again. They were soft, heartbreaking almost. He glanced over her, examining her for distress.

He didn't say anything though, he just looked at her, waiting for her request.

Ellie sat up, Joel's jacket falling to her lap revealing the way she swam in his flannel. It was much too big for her, yet extremely warm. She knew what she wanted though, what he even wanted, but what he was too afraid to do. Too afraid of rejection from the most important person in the world to him.

"Will you just come here and keep me warm?" She asked bluntly.

His stone face rearranged into something that resembled surprise and eagerness. He didn't question her though, probably in fear that she would change her mind that fast. Instead, he nodded, setting his fire stick aside and taking a few strides until he was sitting on the ground beside her.

The carpet was rough, short and bristle like. Not very comfortable for bare skin, Ellie decided. She propped herself into Joel's lap, leaning against his chest. He radiated heat around her, and despite his tough physique, he was extremely comfortable to lay on.

It took a few moments for his hands to find their way to her, but he eventually managed.

He wrapped one arm lightly around her shoulder, still nervous to be this close to the girl that has refused to be apart of his life the past two years. She nuzzled into his chest a little more, encouraging him to squeeze her tighter against him.

He obliged, happily yet hesitantly. He curled her into his chest, while his other arm found its way around her lower back, embracing her protectively. She curled her legs up to her chest, winding herself into a ball as she sat in his lap.

The familiarity of his embrace brought an unrealistic amount of comfort to her that she didn't even realize how much she missed. How much she needed.

She was enjoying each second that he held her and she could only imagine how much this might mean to him, too. How long he must have been waiting to hold her again.

She then felt a pressure against the top of her head that she soon recognized was his cheek, resting against her hair. He held her silently for awhile before he finally spoke up.

He cleared his throat. "Is this alright." He asked nervously, his voice rough with emotion.

"Perfect." She replied as she curled her hands into his shirt, grabbing the cotton and pulling him closer. She wanted to expel any open space between them.

He must have gotten the hint because he squeezed her just a little tighter, engulfing her in his embrace.

She couldn't understand the rush of emotions she was feeling for this man right now, but the way he saved her, risking himself with the freezing water and still managing to pull them both to a warm shelter. The way he embraced her, cared for her, nurtured her, saved her. She had nothing but admiration for him and the way he _loved_ her. The way he always loved for her even when she rejected him.

She considered her next actions carefully, wanting to fully connect with Joel.

She leaned her head up slowly, her warm breath caressing his skin as she tried to breath normally. Without another thought she pressed her lips against him, making contact against his neck, kissing him chastely before venturing further up towards his ear. 

Instinctively, he tightened his grip around her small frame as he seemingly pulled her closer to him. Then he paused.

"Ellie." He said, his voice coming out a little too deep, husky. His tone teetered on the edge of lust and discipline.

She continued to kiss against his neck, sucking just lightly enough until she gave him a gentle nibble. Her teeth sinking enough to make him gasp while her tongue quickly smoothed over the area she just weakly attacked.

Quickly, he cleared his throat and opened the distance between them, abruptly stopping her mild make out session.

He looked down at her. "Wha-What's going on, kiddo?" His breath was labored and his eyes were wide yet dark and mysterious. She wanted to know what he was thinking, how he was feeling about her.

She could feel her face burning and she desperately wanted to hide, yet she still felt victorious in seeing the way she actually took his breath away. A small gesture that he wasn't completely repulsed by her actions. 

As she tried looking away, his hand quickly found her chin, gently easing it back to look at him.

"Talk to me." He commanded lightly, his voice still heavy.

She stayed quiet though, at a complete loss for words. She hadn't thought this through at all, she wasn't even sure why she did it.. One thing she was sure of though, she didn't really want it to stop. There was suddenly this new feeling that had taken over her.. She wondered what it would feel like to feel all of Joel's love, and she knew he loved her a lot.

"Ellie. Please say something." He told her again, breaking her of her small fantasy.

"Uh." She said, dumbly. 

He sighed and brought his hand to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Listen, uh." He started, another hand still resting on her shoulder. "I know you're prob'ly not feelin' too well from nearly drowning but this-" he gestured between the two of them "-this ain't somethin' you want, Ellie. We both know that."

"How do you know?" Ellie said, finding her words and blurting them out.

He chuckled lightly, giving her a funny look. "Um, you and Dina?" He asked.

"Oh.." Ellie sighed, trailing off.

He smirked, pinching her chin now, causing her to look up again to meet his gaze. "Everythin' alright?" 

She put one of her hands on his wrist as she gazed back into his dark hazel eyes that were filled with so much curiosity when he looked at her. "No." She told him, honestly.

He leaned in and kissed her forehead and she could feel herself sink against his touch. "What can I do?" He asked, his lips still pressed to her head. He assumed she wouldn't tell him what was bothering her anyway, but all that mattered to him was solving whatever she was worried about.

So many thoughts swirled around in her head that she couldn't explain, and while she couldn't explain them, she still knew what she wanted and how she felt. She missed Joel, she knew that now. She loved Joel more than she even thought possible. She never wanted to lose him again.

She leaned back and examined his face, his expression. He looked at her warmly, watching her, always paying attention. _"Kiss me."_ She told him, watching his face and expression fold completely.

"Ellie."

"I just need to see-"

"See what?" He interrupted, shocked.

"Joel, please. Just fucking kiss me. Don't make it weird."

He laughed. He actually laughed. "Do you even hear yourself right now?"

She groaned, leaning further away from him.

"Hey, wait a minute." He said, watching her expression fall disappointed. "What has gotten into you?"

"It's one kiss. It doesn't have to mean anything." She told him, watching his face drop, a little disappointed too.

"Ellie, what makes you think that a kiss won' mean anything?"

"Maybe, I just want to see if it does or not."

He quirked his eyebrow at her. "Really? With me?" His voice was an obvious tone of disbelief.

"I wouldn't have asked otherwise, Joel."

He looked at her for a moment, clearly contemplating the situation before he nodded at her. "Alright. Don't make it weird." He repeated, smirking at her.

He leaned in and before Ellie could register the fact that he actually agreed, his lips were covering hers.

She could feel his beard scratch against her smooth skin, enhancing every vibrant feeling in her body. 

He laced his fingers into her hair while the other wrapped around her waist, pulling her in, closing the space between them once again. 

His kiss was shy at first, light and awaiting approval to continue. He started slow and sensually, adjusting to Ellie's lips. 

Ellie felt a lack of oxygen as she impatiently waited for him to kiss her longer, and harder. She was waiting for him to completely give in to his overwhelming feelings he had for her. She wanted him to love her.

He moved his chapped lips in rhythm against hers as she easily found pace to match. In an attempt to manipulate his speed, Ellie gently bit at his lower lip causing him to let out a subtle gasp.

His hand tightened in her hair and she felt him press his lips to hers harder as he opened his mouth, welcoming her.

Without hesitation, She grabbed his shirt, pulling him closer before her hands twined their way into his hair. She slipped her tongue past his, dancing around his mouth while he simply tasted her.

She pulled his soft overgrown hair for more emphasis to be more aggressive. She didn't want to stop. She wanted whatever he was willing to give to her.. and she knew he would give her everything and anything. 

His hand fell from her hair and gently cupped the area between her cheek and her neck as he furthered the kiss just a little more intimately. 

She was still sitting in his lap, while he held her. Ellie attempted to wrap her legs around his midsection while she gripped his shirt in her fists. She didn't want him to leave.

He continued to hold her as tight as possible and she knew she wasn't mistaken when she felt him poke her through his jeans. That only excited her more. She slid her hand down from his chest, tracing along the hem of his shirt. 

She then gained every ounce of courage as she could before her hand found the buckle on his belt.

He kissed her firmly before he broke away from her, grabbing the hand that was invading.

They were both panting for air.

Ellie stared at Joel, wide eyes and full of curiosity.

"Well." He said, using his index finger to scratch just under his nose. "Was that everything you were hoping for?" He asked with another smirk.

She laughed and threw a soft punch at his shoulder. "It ended a little sooner than I expected... but I guess I can't expect much from an old man." She winked at him, hoping it was the least bit seductive.

He laughed too. "You don't know what you're talking about." He winked back, _definitely sexy when he did it._

"Show me." She said, coaxing him.

"You jus' said a kiss." He smirked seductively. His eyes were still dark and full of this hunger that Ellie's never witnessed before.

"You're really going to stop now?" She nearly whined.

She could feel him stiffen underneath her hold. "I think your nearly drownin' mighta affected your decision making skills." He said, half serious and half joking.

"No, really Joel. Show me how much you love me." She persisted, nearly begging.

He chuckled. "Ellie, please. You know how much I love you. What's gotten into you?"

She nuzzled herself into his chest again. It felt better to hear him actually say it than to assume. Then it dawned on her, if he loves her but wont kiss her - "You're not attracted to me, are you?"

He hesitated, his jaw resting on the top of her head. His mouth muffled by her hair. "You're beautiful, Ellie. Gorgeous, really. You know that.. You also know I'm almost triple your age... And you also know that girl Dina really likes you a lot." He leaned away to get a better look at her reaction.

She thought on it just a minute. "Yeah sure, Dina likes me. But you love me." She replied, meeting his gaze.

He smiled at her. "Of course I do."

"And I love you." She confirmed.

He quirked his eyebrow. She'd never actually told him that before. In fact, she's almost completely ignored him for a couple years now.

"Well yeah." She assured him, seeing his doubt, and suddenly she thought she could see tears form in his eyes.

"So after patrol?" He asked, clearing his throat in attempt to cover the emotion in his voice. 

"After patrol, I would really like to spend some time with you." She assured him, leaning into his lap again.

"And that's not the lack of oxygen speaking for nearly drownin'?" He smiled down at her in his arms.

"Joel."

"Alright, alright." He said as he hugged her closer.

"But." She said, leaving it completely open for questioning.

"But what?" He asked, fearing the worst.

"But, if things don't work out with Dina, then I want to try with you."

He chuckled. "Ellie."

"Seriously." She started.

"I don' think so." He smirked at her.

"And why not?" She pouted at him, a little offended.

"Well." He paused. "I don't like to be anybody's second choice." He winked at her again.

"Oh." She said, dumbly. "Well I don't think things are going to work between her and I anyway so you really don't have to worry about that."

"And why not?" He asked, a little amused.

 _"Because I love you."_ She said simply.

He smiled at her, against his better judgment. "I love you, too."

She leaned in and planted a simple kiss on his lips, and as she backed away, his hand found the back of her head, gently pulling her back to kiss him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright! First fanfic ever is posted and out of the way off my checklist. Thanks for reading! Please leave feedback to let me know what you thought!
> 
> Please keep in mind that with this being my first FanFic ever, I was a little impatient and excited to post this so hopefully my future work will be a little better with detail, emotion, context, spelling etc.


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